Bring on the fear

I think a lot of us are afraid.

Afraid that we won’t actually change.  Won’t actually become the people we want to become. 

That we’ll remain the people we were.

Make the same mistakes. 

We look forward into the future.  That nebulous, imaginary thing that doesn’t really exist.  And we see hope and potential.  We see the possibility of transition, change, growth.  We see what we want to see.  Who we want to be.  What we want to do.  But it’s far easier to imagine ourselves reliving our past.  Acting out the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.  The stories others have told us about ourselves, many of which have far more to do with them than they do us. 

I feel it.

Even after telling two different people I love very much and know very well the following:  “You don’t have to believe it’s possible in order to do it.  You just have to start.  And continue.” 

I told them that from my perspective as an outsider.  From the outside it’s clear that change is possible.  They’re already on the path to becoming a different version of themselves.  They’re different now than they were a month ago.  We all are.

But then when it’s quiet and I’m alone and start thinking, start looking ahead, I doubt that advice for myself.  I have so much evidence that I’ll continue making the same mistakes.

But you know what?  Screw it. 

The last time I posted here I was in the thick of it.  One of the most difficult times of my life.  Doubting my ability to crawl out of it.  I had a need to express this, just so I didn’t feel alone in my doubt.  Somehow sharing that doubt made its grip a little less powerful. 

You can’t just ignore a feeling.  Well you can, but it won’t help.  It’s still there.

My brother is a smart guy.  Better said, he’s wise.  He once told me that every feeling is a gift.  Cuz it gives you information about what’s alive in you right now.  So welcome it.  Be grateful for it.  There are no bad feelings or good feelings.  It’s all information. 

It took me a long time to absorb what he said.  Not even to believe it or begin to implement it.  Just to remember what he said.  Cuz it was so different from my perspective.

Pain sucks.  Sadness hurts.  Fear is debilitating. 

I spent most of my life not having a clue how to deal with these feelings.  Honestly, not even aware that they were happening. 

Often, I’d vacillate between long periods of isolation and exhausting bursts of putting all my energy into something to distract me, to try to create a “good” feeling to replace the “bad” one.

But each of these feelings is an indicator of what’s important to us.  Usually it’s telling us that we’re not getting something we need.

So now I’m trying to welcome them. 

Truth is powerful.  Honesty is important.  But the most important honesty is with yourself.  And the most difficult to attain. It requires a combination of quiet stillness with yourself, and brave vulnerability. 

You need to spend time with yourself and your thoughts to best understand on your own what’s alive in you now.  But at a certain point, it’s easy to get trapped in a loop in your own head.

You need to share with others what’s alive in you, in order to realize that you’re not alone on this crazy journey of human life, and get out of the confines of your own perspective.  But you can’t rely on others to tell you who you are.  And without time to yourself you won’t be grounded enough to maintain your sense of self in the context of others.

We all have different levels of each need.  Some need more time with others, more external stimulation.  Some need more quiet & introspection.  And any one of us needs different things at different times.  But I think we always need both.

So, yes, lets be afraid that things won’t really change.  That fear lets us know just how important change is to us.

Let’s be sad that we didn’t do things as we might have liked in the past.

Let’s feel frustrated with our current situation.

And let’s be hopeful that things will change. 

Let’s be grateful for all that we’ve learned from our unique set of experiences.

Above all, let’s try to see things as they are now, truly.  And also acknowledge that the way things are is temporary.  Whether excruciatingly painful, mind-numbingly boring, challenging, thrilling, fun, easy, tragic.

Cuz life is an adventure.  Let’s not miss out on any part of it.

To the next thing!

- Nick